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30 Days

My challenge for August was to sustain the challenges from the past. About halfway into August, my fingernails were getting quite long. They got in the way when i would type and would actually hit the wrong keys. So I ripped them off, but to a decent length. They still looked really nice. But I couldn't leave them alone. Things got busy at work and I fell back into old bad patterns. Now they are quite short and hurt occasionally. I suck, there is actually a finger in my mouth as I type. :( The bright side is that I have the chance to start over in September.

Fitness

I did a really good job with my 5 weeks of fitness, although it turned out to be more like 4 weeks. I'm planning to start up again September 1. It was working really well to stop by the gym after work. I'm going to incorporate that into my schedule for fall.

Revelation

It actually happened a few weeks ago. I went to lunch with Courtney and we talked about a lot of things including her travels in England. One of the other topics was roommates. We're both living alone and are pretty happy with that. A couple days later she IMed me and mentioned that the topic had stayed on her mind. She was pondering if it was good to live alone or if it would be good to have community. We didn't talk about it much but then the topic stayed on my mind. I thought about it the next morning. I do a lot of thinking while I get ready for work, there's something about looking in the mirror. But that is a topic for another day. So I pondered why I really don't want to have a roommate. Wouldn't it be fun to have a friend who lives with me and we hang out together, cooking, watching tv, talking... As I looked into the mirror and thought about this, I realized that the real reason I didn't want anyone living in my house is ....leftover baggage from voldemar (aka darren). I know it sounds crazy, but there is a little voice in my head that says if I live with someone, they will learn all my unique attributes. They will realize that I'm an unlovable slob and leave. Now there is another voice in my head that tells me its a crazy notion. And I sorta know that, but its an insecurity that I have. Its just another one of the scars left by voldemar. Its interesting to discover scars left by the divorce. Most of the time I forget that I was married. Its so behind me, and then SMACK, I'm reminded of all the pain and wounds inflicted.

Home Improvements

I'm all excited cause I finally decided to make my spare room into a scrapbooking room with a cat motif. Now I just have to find the time to make it happen. :)

Crazyness

Things have been pretty crazy at work and my brain is fried. I worked an extra 31 hours last week. Pretty impressive huh? Anyway I'm feeling a bit out of it, so much that I thought this entry was already posted, but I forgot to do it. :) Next week should be calmer.

out of my head

Its been a busy and fun week. There is so much going on in my head. Lots of random thoughts and revelations. I hope to put them in writing so they can leave my head. :)

Hopefully I'll be able to get the thought out of my head and into my blog.

clarification

Just wanted to make sure everyone realized that the previous post was quotes from a book. I know that some would put quotes around the excerpts, but I'm into low maintenance punctuation. :)

Excerpts from Blue Like Jazz

I finished the book last night. It really is excellent. He verbalizes my thoughts very well. :) So I am gonna share them with you.

I believe that the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God. I was into habit. I grew up going to church, so I got used to hearing about God. He was like Uncle Harry or Aunt Sally except we didn't have pictures.

I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice; I rage against American materialism in the name of altruism, but have I even controlled my own heart? Th eoverwhelming majority of time I spend thinking about myself, pleasing myself, reassuring myself, and when I am done there is nothing to spare for the needy. Six billion people live in this world, and I can only muster thoughts for one. Me.

I couldn't give myself to Christianity because it was a relition for the intellectually naive. In order to believe Christianity, you either had to reduce enormous theological absurdities into children's stories or ignore them. The entire thing seemed very difficult for my intellect to embrace. Now none of this was quite defined; it was mostly taking place in my subconscious.

The decision was simple once I asked myself, Is Jesus the Son of God, are we being held captive in a world run by Satan, a world filled with brokenness, and do I believe Jesus can rescue me from this condition?

The goofy thing about Christian faith is that you believe it and don't believe it at the same time. It isn't unlike having an imaginary friend. I believe in Jesus; I believe He is the Son of God, but every time I sit down to explain this to somebody I feel like a palm reader, like somebody who works at a circus or a kid who is always making things up or somebody at a Star Trek convention who hasn't figured out the show isn't real.

Tony and I were talking about belief, what it takes to believe, and he asked me how I believed in God. I felt silly trying to explain it even though Tony is a Christian. I felt as if I were saying I believed in Peter Pan or the Tooth Fairy, and yet I don't believe in Peter Pan or the Tooth Fairy. I believe in God, and as I said before it feels so much more like something is causing me to believe than that I am stirring up belief. In fact, I would even say that when I started in faith I didn't want to believe; my intellect wanted to disbelieve, but my soul, that deeper instinct, could no more stop believing in God than Tony could, on a dime, stop being in love with his wife. There are things you choose to believe, and beliefs that choose you. This was one that chose me.

And that's the tricky thing about life, really, that the things we want most will kill us. Tony the Beat Poet read me this ancient scripture recently that talked about loving either darkness or loving light, and how hard it is to love light and how easy it is to love darness. I think that is true. Ultimately, we do what we love to do. I like to think that I do things for the right reasons, but I don't, I do things because I do or don't love doing them. Because of sin, because I am self-addicted, living in the wreckage of the fall, my body, my heart, and my affections are prone to love things that kill me. Tony says Jesus gives us the ability to love the things we should love, the things of Heaven. Tony says that when people who follow Jesus love the right things, they help create God's kingdom on earth, and that is something beautiful.


I guess that's all for tonight. I hope your interest is peaked. I recommend this book, it is really awesome. I am planning to get and read more from this author. :)

i'm ready, i am

I made a big decision yesterday while I was getting my hair colored. I can't give you a very good reason why I did it. My hairstylist kept talking about food and meat. They would talk about great places to eat. So I did it. I decided that I'm no longer a vegetarian. This isn't a sad day, do not mourn for me. I have come to terms with this decision. It was a good experience, I have learned much from my brush with vegetraianism. :)

blue like jazz

i've been reading an excellent book by donald miller called blue like jazz. i highly recommend it and plan to write lots about it later. :)

i took the plunge

Today I went out and bought a digital camera. :)

Its the Canon A95. Its pretty nifty and I can't wait to start snapping the photos.

take the long way home

It was a long day, good but long. I had to work late and then I spent the evening with my parents, brother and nephew.

The bad part is that I didn't have time to work out :( But tomorrow is another day. I'll do better then.